Long lost love

Sometimes feeling good about your life involves remembering the things that make you feel good a long time ago. As chidren or even young(er) adults, there were things that we would do without thinking that made us happy. They made us feel good, whether it was a favorite CD or a favorite food.

I spent a good part of the morning rolling around in bed enjoying the warmth of the covers and simply resting my body and eyes. I don't remember the last time I "allowed" myself to do this. I gave myself permission to breathe in the feeling of being rested, yet still sleepy. I was actually feeling excited about stretching and listening to the Hootie and the Blowfish CD I borrowed from the library. They were one of the first bands I listened to when I was little. Now I remember why. Stretching and yoga-ing to the CD made for a very happy Astrid.

A long lost love

Last night in class, we made a wild rice pilaf. When I was little, rice was one of the only things I would eat ith vigor. I was an extremely picky eater, but rice always made me happy. Lately, I have felt jadd by rice. It is either too sticky, too dry, too bland, or too seasoned. It isn't the simple, slightly fluffy, simple rice that I grew up eating by the cupful. When I took a bite of the rice last night, I was instantly transported back to my youth and I was reminded how much I still love my rice. The pilaf we mae was perfectly fully with separated grains that still had a slight chew to them. They weren't seasoned heavily, by they had a great nutty taste (from the wild rice). They were the perfect complement to the rest of the dish, and quite possily the star of the dish for me.

And this is saying something, since we had duck breast on the menu. We each deboned half of a duck and seared a breast. Mine came out beautifully.

We also had a winter squash crisp, which ended up tasting just as good as it looks.

Even with the gorgeous and tasty components of the meal, the rice still held its place. It was the only part of the main dish that I finished every ite of. Sometimes the best foods are the simple ones. The foods that take you back to your first favorite tastes. Enough with the accessorizing of the classics. You can never beat a nice plain rice pilaf, not with all the mushrooms, all the cream, or all of the dried fruit in the universe.

I may add that the rice was the one true constant amongst Team A and Team B's dishes. Team B made a winter squash hash and a thicker gastrique made with passion fruit.

I was (again) in charge of the salad and the vinaigrette. What can I say? I make a mean vinaigrette. And I do love my green things.

Homemade bread waiting in the basket. The baguettes were delightful and great for mopping up the gastrique on our plates.

I am happy to report that I have now had more consecutive healthy and good days than I had bad days during my slump last week. I am back on track and my mind and body are both ecstatic and grateful for it.

Doing better and NEDAW

Life feels a lot better at the end of this weekend.

Signs that I am doing better:

I catch myself talking and humming to myself. A lot. When I am too far inside of my mind and thoughts, I get earily silent. I'm in a good place when I'm a bit chatty, even if it is by myself.

I don't avoid people I know in stores or out in public (aka: I don't isolate). When I'm not doing well, I avoid interaction. Even if I choose to go out in public, I still try to be invisble. I'm in a good place when I'm looking to start conversations with people I do not know or when I get exited to see people I recognize.

I try new things, like a cool yoga class at Prana. The classes there are completely free and pretty amazing. I loved every second and did not want to leave.

I take the time to make myself delicious and healthy meals. And I make it while my housemate is in the kitchen with me. We actually had a great time simply chatting.

I sleep well and feel rested. This makes a HUGE difference, as we all know.

What helped in the turn around? I realized that even though I slipped in several areas, I did not let any of these things go as far as they could have. I made the decision to forgive myself fully. I also have been taking note of the moments where I declare to myself that something feels good or was amazing or awesome.

Things that are AMAZING lately:

Letting go of a strict gym routine and simply stretching my body to feel it completely. Yoga works wonders for my body and mind. I will eventually get to a place where other exercise and gym time do not become obsessive. Until then, I will take shelter in my yoga practice and even explore new and different classes out in town.

My new favorite drink: Peppermint tea with steamed soy milk. This is my happiness in a cup. I have been having one every time I work. It tastes so amazing and makes me so happy.

Enjoying a beer at night. It is a great treat and lets me loosen up a little bit.

Meeting new people, especially people that wawnt to talk food with me. It's kind of cool when you can chat about brunois and creme anglais and get all dorky together talking about doing stodges in restaurants and going crazy in a kitchen full of people. I adore thinking about my current and future career.

Thinking about my present and future in food. working at the caffe is stressful at times, as is culinary school. However, it makes me so excited and I am getting more and more excited thinking about the possibilities in my future.

Babysitting. I watched a little 6 week old baby a toddler and a couple or older kids on Saturday morning. I adore being around children and letting loose around them. I envy how unapologetically genuine they can be. If a song plays that they love, they start dancing. If something makes them happy, they clap. They declare, "I build a big tower and SMASH IT!". And if I feel like making silly glasses out of pipe cleaners, they just watch and laugh and then go on with their activities like nothing happened. I want to be more child like (not childish) in my life.

Baking. I hadn't baked anything in a long time before Thursday. Lately at work, I have been able to bake up a storm. It has felt amazing.

I baked chocolate chip scones and ham and swiss scones.

And we sold some of them!

And set out sampes. Samples make customers happy. I would love it if Caffe Sole became known as a place to get some fresh treats. Especially since they are my creations!

And of course, my finalized version of my chocolate chip cookie. These are nice a big and many people have declard that they are the best cookie they have eaten in a long time. Oh and people bought them! It felt pretty awesome. Hopefully e will make this a permanent part of the caffe by the end of the month. That would be exciting.

Today starts National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. Each post this week will talk about something related to my recovery. Today: Being Assertive.

I have always been one of those girls that goes with the flow. I do what other people want to do. If someone has a different idea, I immediately think that it is better than my own idea. This has been something that I have adressed and worked on. These days I stand up for myself. You see, I do not enjoy being walked on. And now I know that I do not deserve to be walked on.

However...there are times when I need to back down and bite my own tongue. There is a time and place for speaking your mind, and at work is not one of them.

You see, Caffe Sole has an owner who does not know his boundaries. Last night, I shut off the oven and turned off the pannini presses at 9:00pm, which is when our kitchen closes. Ten minutes later, he came into the kitchen and asked me to make three different things. I told him that the kitchen was shut down and that I was technically off duty. He looked at me like I had spoken the most horrible words in the universe. He demanded that I make the dishes because the customers were friends of his. I calmly explained that out of respect for the kitchen staff, he had not right to have me make food past my shift, especially since the ovens were shut off.

I know, I know. Astrid, he is the owner. I know now that I shouldnt have said that. And I knew then, as soon as the words left my mouth, that I should just have sucked it up and made the plates as he asked.

I ended up making three beautiful dishes and asking him if there was anything else I could do for him. This was after I apologized for being disrespectful (which he agreed that I was). He made a final call for the kitchen and looked so happy doing that.

It turned out fine in the end. In the future, I will ask him to make a last call if he is in the Caffe, and really, I will keep my mouth shut. There is a time and place to stand up for yourself, but standing up to the owner of the Caffe you work in...not a great idea.

My point is that I have come a long way is learning how to be assertive. I am actually proud of myself for standing up to him. Now I just need to navigate through when it is appropriate to do so and when it will be better for me to keep my mouth shut.

Any thoughts on standing up for yourself? Have you ever gone through a similar experience with a boss or superior?

Either a cook or a baker

Since I have been in Colorado, I haven't done much baking on my own. It was something I do nearly every day in Texas. After baking for a few hours yesterday, I realize why I loved having that outlet in my life. Every chef will tell you that every chef is either all sweet or all savory. You love pastry or you love cooking. No one is half and half. I beg to differ. I am both baker and cook. I do both for different reasons.

Baking is instant graitification. You combine the proper ingredients in the proper ratio and ta-dah, a delicious tasting and smelling treat to share with people or enjoy by yourself. It is so fun to bake up cookie batter, fold in chocolate chips, and watch them cook in the oven. As long as someone has a sweet tooth, they will love what you make. It's pure, fun, and simple. And it speaks to the inner child. As a little girl, I always wanted an easy bake oven. I never got one. But these days I am obsessed with any oven that you give me.

Cooking is instant nourishment. You are nourished fully by foods that you cook. However, people take savory food very personally. If a dish has a name to it, you can bet that each person out there has a different standard for it. The way you enjoy and appreciate food is impacted by how and where you were raised, by the region, by that hole in the wall on the other side of the world where you first tried it. People like certain seasonings, while others do not. To put it simply, it is much harder to please people through cooking. You will always have a few critics that won't like something, no matter how good it is.

I promise you (and myself) that my career in food will always involve both. Being away from baking for too long has a bad effect on me.

Yesterday I took my steps to moving forward and avoid divnig deeper into my slump. I ate well, wore a favorite shirt, and breathed in everything around me. This was not hard to do, because yesterday at work I tested out recipes for scones and cookies that we will sell at the cafe. I developed the recipes, come up with the product and set them out to sample!

For a sweet scone, I made a strawberry Lemon Zest Scone.

Very tasty. I will need to adjust the recipe to account with the moisture coming from the fruit, but they were quite delicious.

I also decided on a savory scone. Ham, swiss, chives, and a bit of honey to add sweetness.

The dough on these was easier to work with and they look better than the strawberry. People liked these as well, and I really like the idea of having a savory scone and a sweet scone out there for people to choose from. I will be baking up more of these today to see if the owner likes them and if people will actually appreciate these for breakfast or snack time.

And of course, every coffee shop and cafe needs freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. I whipped up my favorite recipe and handed them out as samples. Someone told me it was the best cookie she had ever tasted. And people looked like they were in heaven eating the freshly baked treats.

There is nothing better for a girl's self esteem than baking something and having people love it! I truly hope that we can sell these in store. I have more to bake up tomorrow, so we will sample and maybe trial the selling of the cookies. It could be a nice way to bring in extra cash for the cafe, and get more business. After all, no one can say no to a well baked cookie. No one!

Working at the Cafe is going to be a bit of an adventure. Being in charge of ordering the food and finalizing the food program is a lot for my first official job in the "business". The biggest challenge is going to be the savory and coming up with a way to ensure consistency with products no matter who makes it. I apparently have HUGE control issues when it comes to my dishes and putting them in other peoples' hands. And this is something I need to overcome. Until then, I will enjoy baking up my samples and soaking in the smiles and happiness.

A reminder: Honor all of your emotions. You do not have to be "on cloud nine" every day of your life. Acknowledge the darker emotions. And also don't be afraid to ride the waves of excitement and joy that will come up during the day. And all those in between emotions? Honor them, too. One of the greatest things about being alive is feeling...everything.

Moving Forward

Choices

Some people sit, some people try.

Some people laugh, some people cry.

Some people will, some people won't.

Some people do, some people don't.

Some people believe and develop a plan.

Some people doubt never think that they can.

Some people face hurdles and give it their best.

Some people back down when faced with a test.

Some people complain of their miserable lot.

Some people are thankful for all that they've got.

And when it's all over when it comes to an end.

Some people lose out and some people win.

We all have a choice, we all have a say.

We are spectators in life or we get in and play.

Whichever we choose how we handle life's game

The choices are ours, no one else is to blame.

Tom Kruse

Disney movies and fairy tales never warn you that life is going to be difficult. They never prepare you for what happens AFTER you find a "happily ever after." Yes she meets her prince charming...then what? Does life just float on at a constant state of bliss? Where are the challenges, and what actually happens behind the scenes?

After being in Boulder for 5 weeks and coping with culinary school excitement and a new job that has some great opportunities involved, part of me is freaking out. I wish I could see life at the end of this experience. I want to know that I will succeed and maybe get honors in the program. I want to know where I will be this summer. I want to know...well...I want to know everything.

These anxieties have caused me to have a huge fall in my attitude and self love. I have not been kind to my body at all, or kind to myself. To put it simply, I have beaten myself up over the past 4 days. Now, I can choose to sit and watch my life go down the drain as I grow more negative and weaker. Or I can take a step forward (even a baby step) and reclaim myself. A few days isn't going to destroy me. But staying inside of the hole will eventually and inevitably destroy me. It may feel safe to treat myself like crap, but safety doesn't feel good. When you play it safe you don't move forward. Here's to moving forward and forgiving myself. I only have myself to blame when I slip and fall. And I only have myself to be proud of when I triumph over my demons.

Ways that I will move forward today and reclaim myself:

• Eat well and exercise minimaly. I will be on my feet at work most of the day and don't need extra activity. My body needs rest right now.
• Put energy into creating a tasting plate for my the owner at my work. I am trying to put new sandwiches and a soup on the menu and add homemade cookies and scones to the mix. I need to practice for this little "event"that is happening tomorrow! Wish me luck!
• Work an extra adorable outfit to work today. Even wear my awesome new hat!
• Breathe deeply and savor everything around me.
• Be aware, and try not to dive so deeply into myself throughout today.

Life is never going to be easy, and when it gets too easy I want to always push myself to the next level. In order to have my life and enjoy it, I nee something essential. I need ME. I need my health: physical and mental.

It is that simple. How I get there isn't too important. What matters is that I return to a healthy, vibrant, energetic Astrid that smiles, laughs, an sings to herself as often (hopefully more often) than she pouts and cries.

In honor of everyone that may be struggling this week, do me a favor. Send someone an email, note, phone call, that you haven't spoken to or contacted in a while. Reach out to someone and make their day. Everything loves to feel thought about.

Looking at the production sheet for Monday, you will notice that this was pastry week.

Most people in the kitchen were completely out of their element as we scurrie to assemble our mise en place. Baking, unlike cooking, is extremely temperamental. Everything nees to be laid out and at the correct temperature. I find this process very soothing. I love making lists and planning things out. So to have everything laid out and ready to go makes me feel calm.

We made our own baguettes.

And made them extremely beautiful.

Eating some in some olive oil and balsamic was heavenly. There are few things in this world that feel better than eating fresh bread.

For our food this week we had quiche made with homemade crusts. I could seriously eat the crust on its own. Actually, pie crust could be a food group in itself. It is so magically flakey, buttery, and delicious.

I feel badly for those people who choose to eat quiche without crust. Isn't that the whole point of eating a pie? Yes, pie crust has butter. And that butter is DELICIOUS. Deal with it.

We had some successes in making pastry cream and custards.

Creme brulees were made, but they are yet to be eaten. I wonder if we forgot about them?

We also succeeded to burning out Pate Sucree. These are our sweet dough crusts. Basically a sugar cookie crust. We left them in the oven for far too long. That's what happens when you have too many things going on in the kitchen.

Sadness.

But as I previously mentioned, sadness can be cured by a delicious slice of quiche.

There is your typical super eggy quiche. Anyone can handle this one. It is light and tasty with nice pockets of pungent cheese.

This slice is only for the strong of heart. It is basically pure cheese, most of it being blue cheese. And with an extra thick crust running up the sides, it was an amazing experience. Here's to having a brick insie of your tummy for all of the right reasons.

The beauty of cooking amazing food: You let go of any restrictions that you may or may not have. You just made something out of increbile ingredients. You made it. You get to nrousih your body and delight your taste buds. I cannot see the negatives in that. Can you?

We made Pate a choux, or the dough for protiferoles, cream puffs, and eclairs.

Chef made some gorgeous swans.

We broke out the fresh fruits and berries.

And made some fruit tarts.

Aren't they adorable?

I am not a pie or tart person. But these are amazing. The pastry cream with the fresh crusts and fruits work together to make a delightful sweet experience. I cannot wait to make desserts like this for the special people in my life.

We also had the opportunity to play with sauces and make some pretty art.

This is mine. Pretty, right?

We had fun making quite the dessert line up.

Including cool caramel decorations.

My favorite? Porbably the cream puffs. Dipped in chocolate ganache, of course. You see, I had quite the love affair with chocolate covered cream puffs when I was little. I would pop them in my mouth straight out of the freezer. Actually, I would sneak to the freezer to enjoy these little bites of heaven. These homemade versions did not disappoint.

This florentine cup is filled with dulce de leche ice cream and some caramel decoration. It reminds me of a sailboat, which is an appropriate way to end this post. I am excited to move forward from my relatively small slump.

I aspire to take in everything today for the good, the bad, and the in between.

Getting Serious

29 Gifts - Day 7 - Give Love

In honor of Valentine's Day and my weekend with Stephen, I gave love today. I gave my love to Stephen over three years ago and I still give as much as I can every day. We are not together as often as we would like to be these days, but I still love him the same way. I hate the thoughts of not seeing him for another month. But I know that everything is temporary. We will be living together (and driving each other nuts) in no time at all!

Serious Stuff

You may have noticed that I ended this morning's post on a strange note. Nothing is going badly in my life. I have just been doing a lot of thinking about where I want to do in my life, now, in the near future, and in the far future. I am loving culinary school and all of the adventure that comes with living in a new place, learning new things. And I can't help but fantasize about the cool places I can travel and awesome jobs/internships I can have this summer and this fall. It is hard feeling this excited when I know that certain people aren't happy with the fact that I won't be around. I am feeling slightly tied down, trapped, confused, and guilty.

I have always been one to do things on my own time and to do most things on my own. It's odd to have people that want me there constantly and count on me to be happy. To not feel complete without me...well that is a strange thing for me to hear. It sounds great. Part of me feels strange and undeserving. Part of me wants to stomp my feet and rip things apart. That part of me wants to run far, far away. But the bigger part of me, the part where my heart and soul reside, that part wants me to stay. That part wants me to explore compromises between adventure and stability. It wants me to explore opportunities that involve the important people in my life.

I am accustomed to people falling out of my life when I start a new chapter. No one has ever made the stance to actually stay in my life. Part of me expected things to fall apart once I came to Boulder. Part of me saw it as inevitable. Now that part is terrified, and the rest of me is terrified, too.

I am scared of feeling excited about these unknowns:

• Being in class that I love and actually look forward to. I actually do not enjoy the long weekends.
• Having a Stephen that I love and loves me back no matter how emotional unstable I can be. No matter how horrible I can be some days. No matter what, he has been there. I think I finally get it, baby. You are not going anywhere, are you?

And from now on, instead of having mental and physical breakdowns over these fears, I will write out my thoughts. I will realize that I can be strong and I can make it through these months and the emotions and excitements that will be present.

Life seems so simple when you watch little birds picking food from a bird house. It's hard to take the world seriously when you think about how gorgeous the world outside of yourself is. I want to be aware of the beauty outside of me, so that I can stop taking everything that is happening within me so seriously. Life is too short to have so much weight on my shoulders.

I promise to lighten up in the following aspects on life:

• Stop trying to be a perfect girlfriend (it only makes me cruel, impatient, and unforgiving)
• Stop hoarding money for who knows what. Buy more nice things instead of putting something back on the rack just because of its price.
• Stop analyzing what I eat and dont eat, when I eat and when I ate.
• Stop trying to be perfect at each thing I do. Trying my best is important, and that is all I can do.

I love that I got to spend the weekend with Stephen. I wish it didn't fly by so quickly.

But we all know that vacations always end. No matter how long or short they are.

Lunch today was at Aji Restaurant. This is another restaurant on Pearl Street in downtown Boulder. They surprised us by bringing homemade muffins with agave butter. These were nice and crispy on the outside, and especially on the top. The inside was fresh and chewy. Absolutely magical. A great start to our lunch.

I ordered the Humanitas Peruanas, which are roasted zucchinni, olive, and bell pepper stuffed Peruvian tamale, served on red quinoa with butternut squah puree and pickled onions.

An absolutely gorgeous dish with a lot of personality and surprisingly pleasant compnents. I truly appreciated the bite that the pickled onions brought to the dish. The butternut squash puree, although it brought color to the dish and really made the corn pop in the plate, it didn't add anything taste wise. But who am I to complain? It was all delicious!

Thank you for being here today. Hope you had a great weekend!

Adventures in Food and Beer

I am quickly learning that Boulder and Denver are extremely fantastic foodie towns. There are so many restaurants that use local and fresh ingredients. And the restaurants are mostly originals that you would be proud to take nearly anyone to enjoy. So far, we do not have an exact favorite out of the places we have tried. They are all taking our breaths away and leaving us with full (somteimes) and content (all of the time) bellies.

Centro Latin Kitchen is located in downtown Boulder on Pearl Street. The kitchen boasts fresh latin dishes and uniquely powderful tastes in small meals.

We went for their Saturday brunch (lunch for us). I ordered the pumpkin, jicama soft taco. I should have ordered two. These tacos are tiny little things, but having extra room, I was fully able to enjoy and devour the black beans and the rice. The rice actually surprisingly soft and fluffy for restaurant rice.

Stephen ordered pork tacos and enjoyed his whole plate, too. There is something about the sour cream that they serve here. Maybe it is the fact that it isn't Daisy sour cream from a tub? But it tasted better than any sour cream I have ever eaten. I am usually not a fan, but you can rest assured that this sour cream made it onto my taco, my beans, and my rice.

Besides ordering too small of a plate, we both left pretty satisfied and content.

We spent a good part of the afternoon at the brewery of one of our favorite beers, LeftHand Brewing. We both some LeftHand Milk Stout and I enjoyed their beer that I tried on Thursday night, so we were both excited to tour our first brewery together.

The tour itself was interesting, but walking around drinking beer made it even better.

It may have only been 2 in the afternoon, and I probably am too much of a lightweight to be drinking this early in the day...

But it made for such a fun time.

I ate some malts.

And tried to wait patiently for the sampler that we were going to try after the tour.

My favorites were the PoleStar Pilsner, the 400 lb monkey, and the Milk Stout on nitro. Having the Milk Stout on nitro made it so smooth. Some argue that you lose some of the flavor notes. I argue that the smoothness makes it feel like such a decadent beer. I was a huge fan. The Imperial stouts were a little syrupy and sweet for my liking, but they were still good.

My advice is that if you have not tried one of their beers, pick up a six pack. You will not be disappointed.

After being a little tipsy in the afternoon, I thought it would be an EXCELLENT idea to go de tox with some tea.

We went to the Celestial Seasonings tea shop, which is located right outside of Boulder. It was a good place to pick up some new tea. I have always loved their teas, so it was nice to have them all in one large place to choose from. If you love tea, and are ever in the Boulder area definitely stop by.

Last night I ate one of the best sandwiches of my life at Bistro One in Denver. I also had one of the most unhappy tummies in my life, because I think this girl had a little too much of the amazing pork that was on her nicely soft and fresh brioche bun. It was completely worth it! My sandwich was bbq pulled pork. I ordered it with a house salad, which had poached pears, blue cheese, delicious greens, and yummy almonds.

Stephen had a steak sandwich that boasted caramelized onions that were cooked to perfection. I say this because the man usually does not enjoy caramelized onions. Bistro One did a great job!

And I have been defeated. It was far too delicious.

We had to order dessert. I mean, the meal itself was too amazing. I suspected they would have something on the menu that we would both go for. They had a Marshmallow Brownie with vanilla bean ice cream.

And now it is gone.

So far, all of the food has been amazing. Stephen leaves this afternoon, so we sstill have one more restaurant to try and (hopefully) enjoy. And then it is back to missing him for another month.

Thoughts: Sometimes I feel guilty for pursuing something I want to do, because I know that it makes some people sad. I know that you need to make sacrifices in life, but what if those sacrifices affect other people? How do you balance those feelings?