Getting Real and Running Free

It is time for a personal post.

RECOVERY is an extremey loaded word for so many of us. So much more of a journey than the direct path we all thought it would be. Yet, keeping up the fight and clearing new paths is necessary if you want to ever be "free". Beneath all of the layers of crap that we throw on ourselves, our minds, our presents and futures, is some pure and simple...our heart, our essence, who we are. Let that come out.

Here is what each letter of the word means to me, especially today. Enjoy.

R. Running around simmingly in circles. I often feel like I am on a race track. Sometimes I am "winning", I am ahead. And I believe that I have traveled so far away from my affliction. However, the next thing I know, there is the checkered flag waving once again. I am right back where I started. Only this time the tire treads are more worn away. The gas in the tank is lower. I am worn.

E. Endurance is important in this "game". As tired as I am of fighting, when I don't fight it, I get even more tired. My brain is slower. My body aches, and not in the "I just worked out new muscles" way. In the, "I can't believe you are expecting me to move" way. No matter how tired I get of fighting, I still have the dnurance to fight and fight and fight. You can loo at the pillow on my floor and notice the lumps and unevenness from the pummeling it recently too. Don't underestatement "tiny Astrid". She can beat the crap out a pillow and out of ANYTHING. Just try me.

C. Consistency is necessary in my life from time to time. As with a little kid or with a new puppy, who functin best with scheduled ood, activity, attention, etc, I, too, work very well with this type of consistency. Right now, I need a workable schedule of activity, work, food, phone calls, writing, meditation.

O. Owning up to my own responsibility to kick my habit. It isn't up to anyone else to stop me from harming myself. It is up to me. Of course, this doesn't mean that I will not be asking for help. The troops having been alerted and they are on board with my efforts to save my own life.

V. Vitality is something I experience when I am at my healthiest. When I am mentally content and accepting of where I am in life. When I am eating well, exercising in a mindful and (semi) gentle way. When I am full of vitality, the little things make me so excited. I actually look forward to and enjoy things more often than I allow them to annoy me.

E. Evolution. Each time that I put my two feet and ten toes back on the ground and get ready to truly fight and kick some butt, I approach it differently. I evolve as an individual and fighter each time. This time I am being completely open with the people that matter and letting them in on the process. You see, fighting this alone has not worked. In secrecy, the monster just grows larger. It is just like the monster hiding in a child's closet. He changes form and size so often and becomes more terrifying as the child refuses to face it. But once mom opens up the door, the child realizes that the monster is nothing but a noisy, swinging clothes hanger. I am evolving in life and am moving on, letting go. Fully. Completely.

R. Rewards are fun. Let's face it, my demons cost me a lot of money in the long run. So why not put some money in the metaphorical jar for each day I triumph over my own thoughts. For each day I see my suffocating, life threatening thoughts for what they are...harmless thoughts...and choose to not act on them (besides beating up my pillow), I will earn some money. And I will buy myself cool rewards along the way. I have already created a little list of presents. Money will not be wasted, because that money would have been going down the toilet anyways, why not use it for actual things.

Y. Yesterday and the world that word brings up has played too major a role in my life. Yes, my past, my yesterdays, have shaped who I have become. But it is no longer yesterday. It is now and that is what I have to work with. Yesterdays may have caused pain. They may have left scars. Like the scars on my hands from cooking, they tell me that I am a tough, strong woman, that is not afraid to fight.

Those scars were gained in making beautiful things like this chocolate peanut butter brthday cake I made for myself. Here's to living life and enjoying it, too. And if that means enjoying a delicious slice of cake with someone I love, then that sounds good to me!