Life feels a lot better at the end of this weekend.
Signs that I am doing better:
I catch myself talking and humming to myself. A lot. When I am too far inside of my mind and thoughts, I get earily silent. I'm in a good place when I'm a bit chatty, even if it is by myself.
I don't avoid people I know in stores or out in public (aka: I don't isolate). When I'm not doing well, I avoid interaction. Even if I choose to go out in public, I still try to be invisble. I'm in a good place when I'm looking to start conversations with people I do not know or when I get exited to see people I recognize.
I try new things, like a cool yoga class at Prana. The classes there are completely free and pretty amazing. I loved every second and did not want to leave.
I take the time to make myself delicious and healthy meals. And I make it while my housemate is in the kitchen with me. We actually had a great time simply chatting.
I sleep well and feel rested. This makes a HUGE difference, as we all know.
What helped in the turn around? I realized that even though I slipped in several areas, I did not let any of these things go as far as they could have. I made the decision to forgive myself fully. I also have been taking note of the moments where I declare to myself that something feels good or was amazing or awesome.
Things that are AMAZING lately:
Letting go of a strict gym routine and simply stretching my body to feel it completely. Yoga works wonders for my body and mind. I will eventually get to a place where other exercise and gym time do not become obsessive. Until then, I will take shelter in my yoga practice and even explore new and different classes out in town.
My new favorite drink: Peppermint tea with steamed soy milk. This is my happiness in a cup. I have been having one every time I work. It tastes so amazing and makes me so happy.
Enjoying a beer at night. It is a great treat and lets me loosen up a little bit.
Meeting new people, especially people that wawnt to talk food with me. It's kind of cool when you can chat about brunois and creme anglais and get all dorky together talking about doing stodges in restaurants and going crazy in a kitchen full of people. I adore thinking about my current and future career.
Thinking about my present and future in food. working at the caffe is stressful at times, as is culinary school. However, it makes me so excited and I am getting more and more excited thinking about the possibilities in my future.
Babysitting. I watched a little 6 week old baby a toddler and a couple or older kids on Saturday morning. I adore being around children and letting loose around them. I envy how unapologetically genuine they can be. If a song plays that they love, they start dancing. If something makes them happy, they clap. They declare, "I build a big tower and SMASH IT!". And if I feel like making silly glasses out of pipe cleaners, they just watch and laugh and then go on with their activities like nothing happened. I want to be more child like (not childish) in my life.
Baking. I hadn't baked anything in a long time before Thursday. Lately at work, I have been able to bake up a storm. It has felt amazing.
I baked chocolate chip scones and ham and swiss scones.
And we sold some of them!
And set out sampes. Samples make customers happy. I would love it if Caffe Sole became known as a place to get some fresh treats. Especially since they are my creations!
And of course, my finalized version of my chocolate chip cookie. These are nice a big and many people have declard that they are the best cookie they have eaten in a long time. Oh and people bought them! It felt pretty awesome. Hopefully e will make this a permanent part of the caffe by the end of the month. That would be exciting.
Today starts National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. Each post this week will talk about something related to my recovery. Today: Being Assertive.
I have always been one of those girls that goes with the flow. I do what other people want to do. If someone has a different idea, I immediately think that it is better than my own idea. This has been something that I have adressed and worked on. These days I stand up for myself. You see, I do not enjoy being walked on. And now I know that I do not deserve to be walked on.
However...there are times when I need to back down and bite my own tongue. There is a time and place for speaking your mind, and at work is not one of them.
You see, Caffe Sole has an owner who does not know his boundaries. Last night, I shut off the oven and turned off the pannini presses at 9:00pm, which is when our kitchen closes. Ten minutes later, he came into the kitchen and asked me to make three different things. I told him that the kitchen was shut down and that I was technically off duty. He looked at me like I had spoken the most horrible words in the universe. He demanded that I make the dishes because the customers were friends of his. I calmly explained that out of respect for the kitchen staff, he had not right to have me make food past my shift, especially since the ovens were shut off.
I know, I know. Astrid, he is the owner. I know now that I shouldnt have said that. And I knew then, as soon as the words left my mouth, that I should just have sucked it up and made the plates as he asked.
I ended up making three beautiful dishes and asking him if there was anything else I could do for him. This was after I apologized for being disrespectful (which he agreed that I was). He made a final call for the kitchen and looked so happy doing that.
It turned out fine in the end. In the future, I will ask him to make a last call if he is in the Caffe, and really, I will keep my mouth shut. There is a time and place to stand up for yourself, but standing up to the owner of the Caffe you work in...not a great idea.
My point is that I have come a long way is learning how to be assertive. I am actually proud of myself for standing up to him. Now I just need to navigate through when it is appropriate to do so and when it will be better for me to keep my mouth shut.
Any thoughts on standing up for yourself? Have you ever gone through a similar experience with a boss or superior?
Actually, it was pretty disrespectful of the OWNER to have you work past your shift in the manner it happened. He didn't know if you had plans or something. He could have, at the very least, asked you if you had time or if you minded doing that for him.
ReplyDeleteSounds like he wasn't even considerate enough to *consider* you might not be able to work. That irritates me!
I think you had every right standing up for yourself like that. If I were you, I'd have no regrets.
PS: How did you prepare those potatoes? They look absolutely delicious!
hi! Oh my word, reading your post today gave me such hope :-) I am so pleased things are looking better! What a great start to NEDAW!
ReplyDeleteNEDA Week: "It's Time To Talk About It..." Rebecca Angel Parker finally finds Her Voice In Angel Just-Rights after 30 years (publication date: 13/02/2011); YOU CAN FIND YOURS EARLIER...
ANGEL JUST-RIGHTS, Rebecca Parker (Publication date: 13 Feb 11; Biography & Autobiography, Psychology, Social Sciences, Anorexia, Mental Health).
Talented new author exposes exhilarating epic of endurance: beautifully candid, bravely sincere, witty, compelling, and astute. Launched in conjunction with NEDAwareness Week (20th – 26th February 2011) and adeptly reflecting this years’ theme – “It’s Time to Talk about It” – the World excitedly receives exclusive, highly original work of fiction. Based on a true story of one child’s lost voice in Angel Just-Rights lays an astonishing story of strength: “easy-to-read (far from superficial), a thought-provoking motivator, and an insightful presage for all...”
Evolution of the book – realisation into the debilitating extent at which broken down channels of communication, life experiences, and ingrained individualistic personality traits, have been allowed in full strength and power to render one so weak – are explained by Parker in her beginning Preface. Book 1 delves into issues relating to everyday living such as dealing with strict family values, loyalty and devotion while intermittently riddling with her reader in efforts to gain the yearned-for rationality and reassurance so desperately sought. At the height of deathly battles, harrowing happenings of Book 2 raise one simple question: how can implicitly pure intentions precipitate such devastating results? A plethora of mortifyingly unhealthy, demoralising and ritualistic behaviours manifesting deeply in a single fragile life so touched by the world around her are showered, shatteringly, over the reader.
Gradually learning how coping in silence can cruelly fester, devastating consequences are hastened: eating disorders (Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia), post-traumatic stresses and flash-backs, self-harm, psychosis, suicidal desires, over-exercise, increasing obsessions, extreme rituals, distorted beliefs leading to incredibly debilitating afflictions to low self-esteem, mood swings, depression, hospitalisations, sectioning under Mental Health Act and excruciatingly honest accounts of associated inequitable treatments enforced. Startling, captivating, and bitterly heart-rending to the general reader, a silent sufferer’s solace, enlightening to friends, families and health professionals alike, in equilibrium with the theme of this book, Parker’s voice adeptly portrays ironic angst exceptionally, right to the very end.
About the Author
Reading and writing have always excited Parker, previous works winning recognition and Prizes for both short stories and poetry. Sharing this unique collection of books, originally cathartic in aim, enables her to offer even a strand of hope unto any individual similarly searching for their own “only voice that is allowed” and to offer even a slice of solace to those continuing to hurt silently and alone. The disclosure of her story also aims to offer those enduring the last few years of this particular stretch of “illness” by her side, excessively long-awaited answers and an opportunity to finally embark upon healing.
Angel Just-Rights is published by Chipmunkapublishing and is now available to order online and from all good bookshops (Waterstones, Foyles, Blackwells, WHSmith, Tesco etc). For more information on Angel Just-Rights or to contact the author directly, visit wix website at RebeccaAngelParker/RebeccaAngelParker or see above.
If you are suffering alone, feeling confused or misunderstood, or concerned for a close friend or family member you care about, find this book, read it & gain strength.
I'm so glad to hear you are doing well!
ReplyDeleteI'd never thought about it, but I am the same way when I am "in it", as my friend says. I get super quiet. But when my mind is open I am making all sorts of weird noises haha!
And I too struggle with being assertive and asking for what I want/need. When I was a waitress I was ALWAYS the girl who stayed late/never complained/picked up the slack for others. It was a mix of feeling good for helping out and feeling lousy because I was so drained. I'm trying to live my life differently now. It's a tricky thing when you're out of practice, but I think it's GREAT that you made the first step which is opening up your mouth and trying!
PS - and what you wrote about kids is why I'm going down my current education/career path! I love 'em!
I find that the older I get the more assertive I get as well. I am much more likely to stand up for myself and other people now than I used to be.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jolene. I think the older I get the more assertive I get as well.
ReplyDeleteHey Astrid, I think your boss is an ugly arrogant prick & that he had no right to say or even agree that you were disrespectful...you were NOT! As a matter of fact HE/SHE was disrespectful by coming in after closing time with unknown orders. There should be a restaurant policy concerning this. When I had my restaurant or anyplace I ever cooked worth its salt the host/hostess came back to the kitchen when a party came in 10 - 15 mins. before closing to notify the chef. You had every right to tell them you had shut down. He should have asked nicely & apologized to you at the same time to cook for his friends. This would have gone down completely different had it been handled better by him/her. You were completely in the right not that it matters to him/her. Its plain & simple "restaurant etiquette" between an owner/manager & their talent...thats you babe! without you there is no show! someday they will know that...just peer out the top of those glasses & give them the, "SAY WHAT?" look! LOve ya kiddo!
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