February, where did you go?

February went by fast, right? I am still trying to figure out where January went, but now February is gone, too! This is terrfying, because I am somehow supposed to put together my research by the end of May and get in the route to graduating! Why does my heart need to be so outside of my research? I need to get motivation and I need to get it now. At least this month I have made a schedule and have attempted to move myself in the right direction!

Going with my awe-manac (book I bought yesterday), I am going to list the things I liked about February, using the prompts:

Person of the month: Definately Stephen. He shows me how much he loves me every single day in his own way. Thank you.

Moment of the month: Watching Groovaloo and thinking about how I can relate to every one of the dancers' stories. This show was spectacular. Honestly.

Favorite outing of the month: The car show we went to in Houston. It was fun to see lots of vehicles and we got to test drive a yellow camaro!

Favorite book: The Awe-manac! Just found it yesterday, and I am in love with it.

Favorite movie: All About Steve! Great movie. I love Sandra Bullock and her character in the movie was so sweet and a total nerd.

Favorite accomplishment: Writing a few guest posts and sharing my story with some people. It's nice to know that my words meant something to people and that my experience was not in vein. Personally, I know this, because I have so much about myself through it, but I want to help other people find hope, too. Hopefully I did this!

What made this month different? I finally put together a research plan/schedule so that graduating feels like a possibility!

That was a great way to think back on February. I guess a lot did happen. That's exactly where it went!

Now I will share my dinner:



Roast pork, focaccia, carrot, cashew, ginger soup that I bought at World Market, and asparagus!

This asparagus was super good! I parboiled it for 2 minutes and then tossed it in lemon zest, parmesan, and olive oil. I sprinkled some sea salt and pepper, too. It was amazing. Crispy and definately not mooshy, which is gross.

The pork! It came out pretty nicely after roasting in the oven for 1 1/2 hours!

I hope you had an excellent February. I will see you all in March!

The Awe-Manac

Today is the last day of eating disorder awareness week, so I will end on a happy note. My favorite assignment in Bulimia: A Guide to Recovery was on one of the very first days. The assignment is to go to the bookstore and buy a few books that make you smile and laugh. So today, when I was feeling very anxious after having a delicious and indulgent dinner, I went to Barnes and Noble and bought myself 2 books. I bought Butt-Naked Baby Blues, one of the Baby Blues treasuries! I love this comic, so this was a perfect choice to bring some laughter into my life. The other book is one I stumbled uppon when I was looking at the self-help section.


This book is a day by day book with a different page for every day of the year. It has creativity prompts, tips to energize you, and all sorts of fun things!

For example, here are some of the fun things for today:

Toast of the day: Here's to great teachers and the memories of their encouragement.
Daily soul vitamin: I have come to believe that a great teacher is a great artist and that there are as few as there are any other great artists. Teaching might even be the greatest of the arts since the medium is the human mind and spirit. ~ John Steinbeck
Today is John's Steinbeck's birthday! But he was born in 1902, so no more birthdays for him.
Dose of mirth: Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen. ~ John Steinbeck
Message from Mind Solution: Memorize a quote or poem you like.

This has always been a favorite poem of mine.
It is Edgar Allen Poe's "A Dream Within a Dream"

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow:

You are not wrong who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand--

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep--while I weep!

O God! can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

This poem makes me think of how everything is life is so fleeting. When Stephen and I went on our cruise, I felt like crying on the last day. I felt like it all went by so quickly. I felt like the entire week slipped through my fingers and that I couldn't catch one moment within my palm. But I do have the memories, which never seem more than dreams!

Have you come across any cool books lately that have made you think? I am super excited about this book, because each day is different and it will definately give me something to look forward to.

Food for today!
I had an almond butter and pumpkin sandwich, some yogurt and mushrooms for lunch. I made Stephen something far more exciting!


A scrambled egg sandwich with bacon, cheese, and salsa!

With some homemade (oven baked) tortilla chips! I know, I am such an awesome girlfriend. Just kidding!

Today I tried my first Paley Bar. I won't write a review just yet, but I wanted to share.

This flavor intrigued me the most, so I tried it first.

It was rich, delicious, and made me think that I was definately not eating a healthy bar for a snack. This was pretty phenomenal!! I can't wait to try the others.

To add to the chocolate, I baked some chocolate cookies. This had a chocolate cookie dough base made with no egg, snickers, and cinnamon chips.

That is the ball of dough before getting refridgerated.

The cookies all baked up!

Now for the amazing dinner that left me anxious and needing a trip to Barnes and Noble.

I baked the other half of my pizza dough from Sunday into foccacia! I used it as bread for my burgers, which were made with ean ground beef. The patties have chives, garlic, steak seasoning, and are stuffed with mozzarella cheese.

The foccacia bakes nicely and was sliced in half to make the sandwich bread.

I sauteed some mushrooms for my burger!

The burger up close in all of its glory!

I served some oven fries on the side, which apparently got eaten by the camera, as well as by me!

Dessert was a cookie and some gelato. Yum! I don't always finish my dessert, but this one deserved to be eaten. Seriously, this was heaven in a rammekin!

Well, that is all I have for today. Hope your Saturday was awesome! I am off to memorize my poem, read some Baby Blues, and have a night time snack!

Music from my childhood

Today's "homework" is to think about something that made you super happy as a child. For me, when I tink about my childhood, I think about listen to puerto rican music and listening to my dad sing along. Of course, I would sing aloung, too, but quietly enough so that I could still hear him. You see, I thought my dad was the most amazing singer in the world. I have always been a complete daddy's girl. So right now, and for the past couple of hours I have been listening to some of my favorite puerto rican singers from my childhood on an awesome Pandora station that I created.

What is something that made you really happy when you were little? Is it something you can reconnect with now?

Today was pretty low key and there was no cooking besides breakfast. Date night was at Texas Road House. For dessert, I picked up a pint of gelato!! I ate a little bit. Pints last me a while.



Lately, I have been taking a lot of initiative and being assertive! I have been wanting to try a lot of different products that are out there, so I decided to email a few companies and ask for samples. I got my first set to review today! I will reviewing these Paley Bars later, after I have had a chance to try them. I am so excited!!


These bars are made in Portland, OR, and look pretty awesome!



They sent me 2 bars of each flavor:
Jam'n Peanuts
Fruity Nut Evolution
Liquid Sunshine

Stephen's exciting package today: GOLF SHOES!!



He is very excited about these.

Our awesome purchase of the night: Samuel Adams Double Bock beer. This stuff is pretty potent. Read the label with me...

Almost as much malt as in a loaf of bread!! I drank one bottle of this and am definately feeling it, even after drinking a whole bottle of water and having a snack of some pretzels and a pistachio ball. These babies come in a 4-pack that costs 10 bucks, but is compeltely worth it if you appreciate a good dark beer (which I do!).

Well, I must be going. Have a great Friday night!

Life is a dance. Dance beautifully.

Today's "homework" is to think about ideas that have come up from an awesome show I just saw! Groovaloo. It was amazing! Groovaloo is a freestyle, hip hop dance group that has been making their name in the dance world. The show was really cool because it showcased all of their personal stories an histories.

Highlights:

• A girl with a mental disorder who hears voices found her way through her condition and achieved recovery through dance. I can relate to her story because I found creative outlets for my own crazies. Cooking and painting have saved my life. I really believe that.
• My favorite girl had troubles with freestyle dance. She was amazing at technique because she is a perfectionist. Freestyle just terrified her, because she did not trust her body. At the end of the show, she finally let go and danced AMAZINGLY. I related so much to her story, because I can get so caught up with being good at something, that I foret the pure joy of it.
• A guy was following his family's legacy of all the men becoming doctors. He dropped out of med school and pursued dance! This type of choice scares me. How can you just drop something and go for the unknown? Absolutely inspiring, that's what it is!

Two quotes were said by the narrator and they truly resonated with me:

• Life is a dance, so dance beautifully.
• Life isn't always choreographed. Sometimes you have to freestyle.

Both mean so much to me. Life should be savored and enjoyed. It should not be robotic or predictable, but that's how life feels safe to me. I like planning. I like living by my watch. I like knowing what I will eat. I like knowing what will happen. I can relax when I have made plans to go out, because when I go out, I should be relaxing and letting go. I can relax on vacation, because that's what vacations are for. I have so much trouble just being. Freestyle is so difficult for me!

So I have come up with a challenge for myself that I may do next week. Let me know what you think and you would like to participate, or support my efforts.

Operation: Timless. I want to spend a whole week without wearing a watch. I want to focus on being in the moments and enjoying activities without timing them or stressing out about the seconds.

On to the rest of my day and food.

Today I received the prize I won from a giveaway on joyofdesserts. It's a pretty awesome looking book that I am excited about reading!

Today I decided to create my own raw ball snacks. I used pistachios, dates, golden raisins, and vanilla extract.

5 large dates chopped

1/2 cup raw pistachios

handful golden raisins

1 tsp vanilla

First, grind up the pistachios. Then, add the dates. Add in the vanilla extract and raisins until it looks like it dows above. The mixture will form these amazing moist balls.

I put an additional pisatchio on each.

These are awesome!

Dinner was also spectacular, because I cooked myself something I have not eaten in far too long: quinoa.

I just cooked some up and mixed in tomatoes, almonds, pistachios, spinach, fennel seeds, and golden raisins. I served somme plain yogurt on the side.

This was exactly what I needed before working tonight's show. Just enough to satisfy me and leave me with plenty of energy!

I am exhausted, so I will now cuddle up in bed with my new book and relax for the rest of the evening.

Goodnight!

Being a Little Kid

Happy end of Wednesday.

Wow, this day feels like it has gone by sooo painfully slow. It started off great, but then it just trickled by for the rest of it. I am having difficulties coming up with an ed "homework" for today, so I am going to write a list of activities I have come to rely on for release instead of my old coping mechanism, and I will share an example of one, too!

Sanity keepers:

• Hot cup of herbal tea
• Go for a walk and take pictures
• Bake something that involves work, like bread or sandwich cookies
• Paint or draw
• Stretch or do yoga
• Meditate
• Write a blog post
• Put on favorite music (Glee sountrack!, Next to Normal, Rent) and sing really loud to it
• Cut out pictures from magazines and make a collage
• Write someone a letter (Snail mail)
• Go to Target and walk around
• Paint my nails
• Color mandalas or a coloring book
• Turn on a movie and clean the room/apartment

This has been my list for a while now and I love it. Here is a picture of one of my collages:

Nothing amazing, just a few pictures in my journal. It is so fun to write around the pictures and see how it turns out. This activity takes me back to middle and high school where I was actually happy with my body and appearance. I was so naive and never thought that anyone at my school struggled with any issues. No one ever told me about any. And I never experienced anything negative or challenging until college. So, this activity takes me back to that innocent time when I had none of the worries and thoughts that have recently plagued my mind.

What activities help you reconnect with your childhood innocence?

Dinner:
Today's dinner was quic and simple, because I taught lab and then had a meeting to go to. I just cooked up some elbow noodles, added cheese, garlic, olive oil, tomatoes, and turkey hot dogs!


It came out pretty awesome! I made some "garlic bread" on the side, and served my noodles over some spinach.

There is something about noodles and hot dogs that also takes me back to when I was little. I loved pasta with hot dogs! I also loved salisbury steak and brocolli and cheese! I was honestly one of the pickeist eaters as a little kid and would usually pick at my food. Mac and cheese, salisbury steak, and cheese burgers ALWAYS hit the spot. I can still remember how the school lunch cheeseburger tasted on the first day of first grade. I loved it. So much!

Is it weird that I remember that?

Good things come in 3's

Here are a few little updates partway through the day that I am excited about:

• I ran 5 miles today and felt awesome doing it. I am usually sleepy during the first few minutes of my workouts, so I usually take it easy, but this morning I had a good deal of energy!
• I finally wrote a letter to Lindsey Hall, the author of my favorite recovery book! I put it in the mail this morning and I am so proud of myself!
• I started a formspring account. I figured I should do this, because I am very close to deleting facebook and I have NEVER been on Twitter. So formspring it is. If you have a second, go ahead and send me a question and I can post them here! http://www.formspring.me/raindrops913

Happy Wednesday!

I Want

For today's ED homework assignment, I am sharing an entry from July 13, 2008. The assignment was to write a list of 25 "wants". Here is the list I came up with. I also included my progress (in italics) on each of these wants.

1. I want a more honest and open relationship with my mom. (working on it)
2. I want to feel genuinely beautiful.
3. I want to work on a play or theater production.
4. I want a pet. (I now have a cat and a chinchilla!)
5. I want a hobby that I feel I am great at and can lose myself in. (I now have painting and cooking/baking)
6. I want close girl friends that I can see on a regular basis. (still working on this)
7. I want to stop feeling guilty about spending money and eating certain foods. (I am getting better about money and have been so much better about food)
8. I want a job that I look forward to every day. (this is hard to imagine right now!)
9. I want to be a mom. (I am sometimes scared that this won't be possible)
10. I want a house with a huge kitchen and a room with large windows to do yoga in.
11. I want to join an exercise/dance/yoga class. (I am looking into yoga classes right now)
12. I want to be closer to my aunt.
13. I want to visit the ocean. (I make it a point to take regular vacations to the ocean)
14. I want to make at least one person smile each day.
15. I want to feel in control of my life.
16. I want to write a novel/play based on my life.
17. I want a keyboard. (I have one but I don't know how to play it!)
18. I want a new purse. (I have a beautiful Fossil purse that Stephen bought me)
19. I want to bake chocolate chip cookies or brownies. (I have gotten awesome at this!)
20. I want to see another professional show. (I have seen several through being part of OPAS)
21. I want clear skin. (I am on a new product that has worked WONDERS)
22. I want to learn how to do a back walkover.
23. I want to teach science or theater to kids.
24. I want to write Lindsey Hall and Leigh Cohn a letter thanking them for helping me in recovery. (I still need to do this)
25. I want to survive this disorder and share my experience with others. (I have been sharing my experience and am in a very stable and strong state of recovery!)

This has been so eye opening! If you have never done this, make your own list and then revisit it later and see what progress you make. I knew that I had come a long way, but it is nice to see evidence in writing!

Okay, on to my day. I bought new workout clothes today! I felt like it was well deserved, because this is the first time since my ed that I have had a consistent exercise routine that didn't involve over exercise. Here is my favorite outfit from what I bought:


Here is my excellent oatmeal that I had this morning. Whipped banana and cocoa oatmeal with toasted almonds. My goodness is this good. So good.


Dinner was also amazing. I was inspired by Kerstin from Cake Batter and Bowl to make plantain nachos! They were so awesome. I didn't follow her recipe, but I did fry up the plantains and use them as the base for awesome nachos!

The plantains are frying up.

They are getting layered with beans, beef, and cheese!

Ready to eat!

I served it with some chopped tomato and onion. It was amazing. Then again, I am in love with plantains, especially when they are fried up and salty.

I also baked today!

I attempted to bake chocolate almond macaroons from Martha Stewarts recipe: http://www.marthastewart.com/recipe/chocolate-almond-macaroons

I reduced the recipe a bit, and I think they came out wrong. But wrong in the best way ever. They came out a little flat. But really, they are soft and chewy and fudgy.

I melted some dark chocolate and cinnamon chips with butter and spread it on a cookie.

And topped with another cookie to make the macaroons. They work. No, they are not cute and puffy. These babies have character and that's the way I like them!

See, a nice big bite!

Hope you had an excellent Tuesday! I almost just wrote Monday. Is tomorrow really Wednesday already?

Chili Dogs with Deviled Eggs!

Hello!
Hope you had an awesome day so far. Mine was pretty ggod, and definately got off to an excellent start. There is something about a great breakfast that makes me so happy. Then on my walk from the bus to the geology building, I was very aware of the people around me and how awesome it felt to be walking in the cold air with my warm wool peacoat. I simply felt good and alive.
Todays "homework" is to list some motivation quotes that have helped me along the way to recovery. Quotes are simple, sometimes cliche, but they always reenforce my good intentions.

"Ships in harbour are safe, but that's not what ships are for."
For me, it is so easy to stay safe inside of my own sadness. Sadness and unhappiness is safe. Being happy can be so unpredictable and unstable. But I know how awesome it feels to be happy. I know how awesome it is to feel! So I try every day to leave my safety net.

"One day at a time."
This has always been the hardest part of recovery and of life for me. I like to see instant results. The idea of baby steps makes no sense to me, but it is something I have come to understand by necessity. I make progress slowly but surely in so many places in my life now.

"We can't all be stars, but we can all twinkle."
This one makes me smile. I may not have the spotlight, but I know I make a few people smile every day. I know that I am here and people see me.

"The best way to teach people is by telling a story."
This is why I am reaching out to people. I want for people to not feel alone in their struggles, whatever they may be. You need to own what you are going through and then move past it. Struggles do not define you, but they make you so strong and they teach you one thing: compassion.

"What I do today is important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it."
This is so profound to me. You can choose to do anything on every day in this world. Why do I need to feel so trapped in routine? Why do I have to feel confined? I am exchanging myself for everything I choose to do. Ah! This is something so simple, yet I have no idea how to incorporate this into my life. This quote actually hurts me a little, because I know that I am not very close to being able to act on it.

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year."
I can, however, keep a positive outlook every day and make it a great day. This is something I can do actively!

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
Then why is it that everyone tells you to find yourself? Then again, I guess as you create who you are, you are finding who you are becoming.

"NEVER NEVER NEVER give up."
I won't. I am stubborn!

Do any of these quotes resonate with you? Go ahead and think about them and what they mean in your life. Are there any that make you feel uneasy?

Okay, time for my dinner: here is what I made:

Deviled eggs!

Veggie chili

Turkey hot dogs!

Turkey chili hot dogs! Pretty awesome, but definately a fork meal. There is no way to pick this up with your hands and not make a disaster!

Our awesome feast. I love making fun and easy meals with fun twists to them. Today I learned that turke hot dog are very yummy! I like mot turkey versions of things, except for turey bacon. It just didn't cut it for me. But ground turkey, turkey hot dogs, and turkey sausage are all wonderful and I sometimes prefer them to the "real" versions.

Thank you for everyone who has written me such beautiful words. Have an awesome night.

EDAW, Homemade pizza, and Fudge!

Happy National Eating Disorders Awareness Week!

This is a very serious issue and since I have been in a strong recovery from bulimia, it means a lot to me. I wrote another guest post at EatingBender, it is a little different from my first one, so check it out. To keep myself accountable during this week, I will be doing a recovery exercise every day this week. During my recovery, I followed a 3 week plan to stop bingeing that I found at the back of a great recovery book, Bulimia: A Guide to Recovery. Each day of the 3 weeks gives you "homework" and activities to do to keep your mind busy and to help you heal.

Homework for day 1 of EDAW.

Create a list of 25 things your body does for you

1. It is very flexible and loves yoga
2. It walks me to class, around campus, and everywhere I need to go
3. It lets me know when I am hungry and full
4. It can run and dance
5. It can feel rain on its skin
6. It gets goosebumps
7. It can float in water very well
8. It randomly goes into happy jumps when I get excited
9. It can taste and savor food and then use it to nourish itself
10. My hands can create great food and art
11. It gives and recives great hugs
12. It loves sex
13. It is getting strong from strength training
14. It lets me feel sand in my toes
15. It rest and sleeps and revitalizes itself
16. It returns the favor when I take care of it
17. It breathes in great smells
18. It enjoys touching things like Ginger (my cat) and soft sheets
19. It has absolutely no tolerance to alcohol, which is healthy because I won't drink much and it saves me money!
20. It never lets me sip a meal!
21. It looks great in clothes and without
22. It doesn't get sea sick, car sick, or air sick, so I get to travel a lot
23. It can jump and climb rocks at the beach
24. It can hike forever
25. It gets butterflies at the right (and wrong) times

Try this! This is very difficult to do, but it feels great to think about why your body is awesome.

Okay, on to food.

My lunch included a spinach salad with edemame and honey wheat pretzel sticks


It also included a bagel sandwich (these are thin sliced bagels, very yummy) with barney butter and apple slices.

The entire lunch!

For dinner, I made a homemade pizza. I haven't made my own crust in a while, so my hands were craving this, as well as my taste buds!

First, ball of dough:

Then risen and flattened.

Topped with turkey sausage, spinach, chives, cilantro, tomatoes, parmesan, mozarella, and a little bit of sauce.

Baked!

And now up close and personal with the pretties pizza ever! Honestly, I love the colors on this. And I can promise you that it tasted AMAZING.

I wish I could share it with you.

Dessert wasn't as successful as I would have liked. I made dark chocolate and almond fudge.

I think the marshmallows I used were too stale and that I didn't stir fast enough? Not sure, but it ended up a bit crumbly.

Good news: Stephen liked it a lot. More good news: I still have Godiva truffles from Valentine's day, so I am not without dessert!

I hope your week goes off to a great start tomorrow! Stay tuned for a second EDAW "homework assignment".